Why I’m raising a feminist son and how I’m doing it

Most parents know that dreaded feeling when your house goes eerily quiet on a Sunday morning and upon further investigation, you uncover a disaster scene of secret kids’ business. On this occasion, last weekend, my four-year-old boy was sitting up on the bathroom bench, painting his nails a bright red shade with my good nail polish.

I commended him for his brush skills and his patience while waiting for them to dry, but had no idea that later that day the nail polish would become an issue. We were at a kids’ party and I overheard one of the boys remark, “Boys don’t wear nail polish. That’s a girl thing”. I could see the confusion and shame on my son’s face, and just as I was about to step in with a robust speech, an older boy replied, "No it’s not. Boys can wear nail polish too!’’

If there’s one responsibility I take most seriously in life, it’s raising and shaping my son into a connected, healthy, beautiful man. Since having him, I’ve developed a hunger for exploration of what our boys really need to thrive. I see that both men and women have an important role to play in developing the mindset of boys and I believe it's our collective responsibility as a society, to positively and proactively nurture our boys to create the next generation of courageous, kind men.

In preparing for a workshop I led on raising boys at the three-day changemakers event s p a c e in Byron Bay recently, I was keen to understand the views of others in our country on this topic. So I asked my Instagram community this question: “What do Australian boys need to thrive alongside women?” It was clear I wasn’t alone in my passion and intentions around raising boys. I received dozens of heartfelt, intelligent answers. The interest in and momentum of this post, and this topic, carried into my session where a bunch of thoughtful leaders from all walks of life pulled out the threads on this conversation and dived into the complex social issue of how we raise boys in a complicated world.

Here are three of the top things that emerged, amongst so many more that I want to support my son with, as we normalise a new spectrum of masculinity. The good news? Our definitions of masculinity are already changing.

1. Be who you are

Much like the nail polish incident, I want my son to feel free to express himself without masculine or feminine labels. I want to give him space to be a human first and foremost. I think as we redefine masculinity both in our social dialogue, education and role modelling, our boys will feel at ease with vulnerability, self-expression and being comfortable just as they are, which can positively impact on mental health.

I’ve heard men my age talk about having “feminine qualities”, like being softly spoken, articulate, even crying openingly. But I wonder ... aren't they just human qualities? What if we stopped projecting our own challenges around masculinity/gender roles onto our kids? Would that mean that the boys at the birthday party wouldn't think twice about my son’s nail polish?

It’s clear that the spectrum of masculinity is changing: it's expanding and anywhere you are on the spectrum is okay. We need to let our boys be who they are, let them be heard, let them feel, let them see and learn … let them lead and we follow.

2. Respect starts at home

Respect. This word comes up again and again … and again.

We adults must take the first steps to role-model respect as mums, dads, teachers, coaches etc. This was ultimately the motivator for change in my toxic, unhealthy marriage. I made the conscious decision to break the cycle and give my son the best chance at witnessing a healthy example of how people love each other, communicate and understand how to uphold respect. I know now that how I allow a man to treat me will teach my son what is an acceptable way to treat others; I’m mindful of not just talking the talk about respect, but walking the walk.

Respect during physical play is also a big one. I’m alert to the balance between allowing my son to release his energy and testosterone through healthy aggressive play like wrestling and rough and tumble, and teaching him that violence is when there’s an intention to hurt - and that’s not okay.

3. Your emotions are your road map

This is the ability to identify your own emotions and other people’s, understand their causes and then to be able to manage them appropriately. From the conversations I’ve been having with men and the research I’ve done, EQ, (different from IQ) seems to be one of the key factors contributing to men’s mental health issues, domestic violence, relationship breakdowns and general unhappiness.

I want to teach my son about his emotions. When he’s expressing something either negative, positive or neutral, I ask him to tell me what emotion he’s feeling. I get him to name it, talk it out and let it out. It’s critical to allow him to feel safe to feel all the feels and help him understand them, not suppress them, and show him ways to behave appropriately while processing them. I’m very emotionally expressive so I allow him to see that, demonstrating that we don’t have to ‘be strong’ all the time and that it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, angry or happy: whatever the emotion, let’s express it.

Through emotional intelligence comes empathy: the key to understanding and feeling other people’s emotions which, in my book, is the glue to all human connection. If I want my son to be kind, thoughtful, generous and loving, then understanding other people’s emotions is invaluable. I try to ask him lots of questions about others like, ‘How do you think they are feeling?’ ‘What if that happened to me or to you? How would you feel?’

I want nothing more than for my son to be the best he can be, alongside women. I’m only four years into raising this boy but it’s my mission and I’m absolutely, hands down, committed to it.

First published in Body & Soul.