The moment I knew my son approved of my new man
Since those two lines appeared on the pregnancy test six years ago, my fierce, mama-bear instinct has been to protect my son at all costs. It’s been challenging (to say the least) navigating through the breakdown of our family unit, trying to support him through long nights, comforting tears of grief and having hard conversations about why things changed. My little man and I have built a bond only a strong duo could have and it’s pure magic.
Other co-parents will relate when I say I’ve been living a double life since becoming single. It sounds more scandalous than it is, but sans child I'm fun, single, well-groomed Izz; the other half of the time I’m hair-in-a-bun, activewear, multi-tasking single-mum Izz.
Though I’ve dated, until now, I’ve never let a man into the domestic bliss (or circus) of solo parenting. I doubted whether anyone would actually want to be involved in that aspect of my life (especially taking on a child that wasn't theirs), but more importantly, my walls were up. I really wasn’t sure whether I was ready to trust someone - not just with my heart, but with my child’s.
Since meeting Luke six months ago I’ve been treading cautiously through this new and, quite frankly, terrifying territory. I’m no expert, but fortunately I have supportive advisors guiding me, plus the courage to trust my instincts on what’s best for my boy. Both my divorce mediator and my psychologist explained the importance of delaying any introduction to new partners for several months so as to establish the longevity of the relationship. Luke, too, made it clear early on that he would be guided by what was best for my son. He respected that entering the sanctity of my home life was a big deal for me; but on the other hand, I had chosen Luke for no other reason than for who he was: a special man who loves and respects me. What better role model could I introduce to my developing boy?
When the time was right and things were stable, we took the step. They were small steps at a time, we trusted our guts and checked in with each other every step of the way. Here's how it panned out.
Begin as mates
Until recently, my four-year-old boy liked to think his mum was half-mum, half-married to him! I was mindful, therefore, not to push a new “love” relationship on to him, as I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable or threatened. Over time, I gently explained how we have enough love for many people: that loving someone else didn’t change the love I felt for him. I introduced Luke in a relaxed setting, like any other mate, without making a big deal. Luke was a natural. Super-chilled and intentionally mindful of the focus being on my son. I’m not sure whether it was Luke’s safe male energy, his caring and engaged vibe or simply the big smile on my face, but my son gravitated to him instantly. The connection was undeniable.
Plant the seed
When Luke was around, we had fun. We laughed, danced and played and I think my happiness was palpable. Kids pick up on this; it’s contagious; so the best thing you can show them is how happy the other person is making you. I started talking about how I loved hanging out with Luke and how happy and safe he made me feel. We talked about how lucky we were to have great people in our lives and Luke’s name kept being dropped in all the right places. The subject of step-parents came up in conversation and I asked casually, “if you could pick one for our family who would you pick?” His first choice was our local coffee guy. As lovely as my barista is, I had to explain he was only 19! My boy’s second pick was (to my happy heart), LUKE. “We are just friends,” I explained, and his response was, “Mumma, Luke would definitely want to marry you because you're the best!” Awww. It was worth the conversation just for that.
Let him lead it
We allowed months to go by without changing things too much. This gave us space and time for a strong foundation to be formed between my two main men. I made sure to spend one-on-one time with my son, as usual, and he became increasingly enthusiastic about involving Luke in our life. When we felt it might be time to take the next step, confirming our relationship to my son, Luke waited until I was having a shower and had a man-to-man chat with my boy about how he was feeling. This proved to be the sweetest and most pivotal conversation, which I think might mark the start of a lifelong bond. Luke explained how much he adored me and what a good mother he thought I was, and that he needed some advice. “I’d love for your mum to be my girlfriend, but how should I go about it?”
My shower was cut short as I had my very excited son come in to tell me they had some good news. He hid behind the bed while he coached Luke from the sidelines on asking me to be his girlfriend. When I said “yes” he erupted in squeals and we had three-way cuddles. It was a moment I’ll never forget!
I have never been so at ease with a situation I thought could go very wrong. I was so set in my view of a family unit and when it fell apart, I couldn’t fathom involving anyone else in my child’s life who wasn’t his father. But, as with every hard or life-changing experience, I have embraced the unexpected blessings: I never realised how very special the relationship between my new partner and my son could be... Don’t get me wrong, there are challenging moments and tricky curve balls but when I sneak a glance at my boy snuggled into Luke’s nook as he reads him a book before bed, my heart is full.
We’re still working it out, it’s a continual process that is teaching all three of us so much every day but although we are winging it, we are doing it together. The love between my son and Luke is chosen love, which empowers them both. What more could I ask for my boys?
First published in Body & Soul.
