An open letter to any woman brave enough to call an end to a loveless marriage

Dear brave woman,

There really should be a manual for getting through a divorce. I’ll never forget the first day I spent in my family home after my husband had moved out and our son was with him. The reality of what our separation actually meant for my life came crashing down on me.

It was an unsettling feeling walking into empty rooms and sitting in the backyard reflecting on the memories we once shared together. I was brave enough to initiate the end of the marriage but was I brave enough to deal with what would follow? At first, you think, you won’t cope, but trust me, your resilience will surprise you.

Those first weeks and months are a frightening, lonely time. I felt tired, defeated, a shell of myself. A loveless marriage had dimmed my light. I didn’t look good, I didn’t feel good, and at times I was overwhelmed by grief for the life I had been investing in for seven years. I was a Mum to my toddler while helping my husband with his business, so who was I now?

I didn’t know what my days would look like in a week, let alone a month. The uncertainty left me anxious and sometimes hopeless. I had gone from skilfully surfing the waves of life to being tossed around in the white wash and dodging new waves out of fear. But it’s during these tough times that you need to be kind to yourself, nurture yourself and invest in things that bring you joy.

Looking back, one thing strikes me about this time

I had lost my power. I had forgotten what I wanted and what my needs were because I was so focussed on trying to save my marriage. I had become a contortionist, trying everything no matter how uncomfortable it was.

When you find yourself suppressing parts of your true self to please others, you forfeit your power. When you have that realisation, you will be able to rebuild. To learn that your self worth is not dependent on any one thing such as the love of another, a job, your children or bank balance. This was a huge turning point for me.

To some extent, I stayed in my unhappy marriage for longer than I should have because I didn’t think I deserved any better. I desperately wanted to make it work for my son and I feared failing and the shame and stigma of being a single mum.

I was weighed down by my family history of divorce and a desire to avoid the trauma it causes. But the most courageous thing you can do is abandon that baggage to move forward. To be able to regain your power and reconnect with yourself again, for me, meant sitting with my feelings, letting go of anger that doesn’t serve me and learning how to manage things I can’t control.

What helps is time

I’ve been unashamedly spending more time on things that make me feel happy and calm, including mindfulness and pilates. Whatever your thing is, be it lying in the sun, a good podcast, wines with friends. Do it.

If you have kids, play, laugh and let them fill your heart with so much joy. We live in such a rushed culture where there is pressure to ‘get back on the horse’, ‘keep busy’, and ‘move on’ that being self-focused can seem lazy or selfish, but it’s not. It helps recharge.

You will no doubt grieve for the life you thought you would have but externalise it. Talk, exercise, see a therapist, be creative, get it out!

While I’m eager to fill my life up with new work ventures and relationships, I have found grace in this transition. I never thought I would feel this empowered by a separation but its been the best thing that could've happened because I got me back.

You will get there, and when you do, you will be whole again.

First published in Body + Soul.