How I maintain a no-strings attached relationship
Dating is a minefield, isn’t it? Let alone as a single mum with a contradicting hunger for harmless, no-strings-attached fun and meaningful companionship.
New Years Eve and it's nearly midnight. All my friends are partnered up and I’m the single gal, champers filled, ready to get in on the threeway hugs. On the countdown, a gorgeous young guy walks straight up and, after a bit of small talk, grabs my waist and kisses me bang on midnight. Wowee I think! Where did you come from!?
I’m no airy-fairy thinker but I do believe in the universe and there are moments in my life like this one, where I think, thank you! Thanks for not leaving me lonely as the new year rolls in. Thanks for giving me hope in the form of a 24-year-old hottie who I’ll call ‘Ben’, who will go on to prove something really important to me: that it’s possible to have a no-strings-attached relationship that’s still meaningful and maintain it.
When we met on New Year’s Eve, I never expected that Ben and I would spend the next year managing to have what society terms a ‘no-strings’ thing. This concept is when two consenting people see each other casually without either one falling in love or seeking more commitment. Some people don’t believe in it; some people find it really difficult and others can only do no-strings. But I’m beginning to realise this type of relationship, if done well, is perhaps as rare and as special as the ultimate goal of finding true love.
The first thing I learnt was to stop trying to make it something it wasn’t. We started off going on ‘proper’ dates, dinners, holding hands down the street but I quickly discovered we were in completely different stages of life, the dead giveaway being our 10 year age-gap, along with our different lifestyles and goals. (He still lives with the folks and goes to raves. I live in my own house with my four-year-old son and have wine and cheese nights with the neighbours.) The liberating thing about this scenario was not what we couldn’t have together, but what we could.
In most casual relationships, by week six, I start seeking something deeper: I tend to want to do more ‘relationship stuff and can lose perspective when things don’t progress. But just enjoying it for what it was felt so freeing to me. Being in the moment and managing expectations, seemed key which hadn’t been achievable in the past.
So why is it different this time? How is it that neither of us has developed feelings for the other, or got jealous? How have we carefully balanced dating other people while not letting it affect our ‘no-strings-attached’ bond?
Friendship, I’ve learnt, is the foundation for this. Over the months, Ben and I would hang out, we’d share the ups and downs of life, fears, struggles and successes in between, of course, great mind blowing sex. There’s a level of honesty which is deeply respectful and mutual. Maybe we have this because there’s nothing to lose; we can talk about other guys and girls without weirdness. Having such open communication makes it less complicated and at the same time, brings us closer.
He has become my friend who laughs with me and at me, checks in to make sure I’m OK and who feels he can talk to me about stuff he can’t anywhere else. He loves it that I’m mature and in touch with my sexuality and, in turn, I love his youth and physicality. It’s definitely a skill that takes practice, to be able to detach in a healthy way from someone you share intimate moments with. The bad side is, one of us will eventually find someone more special but I feel lucky for now, to be spending this time with a great guy who will make the perfect boyfriend for someone else.
I’m starting to think that there IS an existence of ‘strings’ in the thing we’ve got going on. They aren’t the loving, committed, let’s-intertwine-our-lives type of strings. Not ones that make you anxious or wanting more. They are the kind of strings that are honest, caring and vulnerable, and we haven’t ruined it!
Amen to that, for as long as it lasts.
First published in Body + Soul.
