How to date a single mum
Since becoming a single mum three years ago, the dating juggle (and it IS a juggle!) has brought its fair share of challenges. From casual flings to more serious commitments, sometimes the people I dated just didn’t understand me, or see how they needed to approach things differently than they might with a single woman with no strings attached.
My friend Julia Hasche is a single parenting mentor and hosts the podcast Single Mothers’ Survival Guide. She sums the challenge up perfectly when she says: “Most of the women I work with don't have the time or energy to date, even though they may want to find a partner. Time away from children is often rare and precious.
“Having said that, if and when you do, it's important to be clear on what you want in a partner, someone who is a good role model for your child and someone who shares your core values. You don’t want to be in a relationship to fill a void. A relationship should be the icing on your already amazing life."
Relationships are not a necessity
That’s my take: relationships are the icing on my already amazing life.
Although initially I was embarrassed and somewhat ashamed to be dating as a single mum, when I first put myself out there I soon realised I had a lot to offer. Like any human being, I crave love that’s not from my children. A love that’s unconditional, lasting and one that doesn’t depend on staying in the family unit because of shared children.
When I was single, I missed having someone to bounce my thoughts off; someone to turn to and of course, importantly, cuddles that aren’t followed by an accidental knee in the stomach! Someone who I didn't need but I might just like to see in small doses because I’m used to the rhythm of single motherhood.
What I’ve learned is that I’m not going to settle for just anyone because I’m a lot wiser and, like all single mums, have a lot at stake. It’s clear that we are a special breed of wonder women, and I speak for all of my single mum sisters out there when I say to those who want to date us, fall in love with us and potentially enter into a committed relationship, there are some things you really need to know.
We need a grown-up partner… not another child
I don’t need to be saved or rescued and I already have a child so I don't need to raise another one! I’m looking for a self-sufficient grown-up who can be part of our team.
For me, this means a man whose masculinity provides a strong container, but who is not emasculated by my past, my priorities or strengths. Someone who’s not weird about the fact I’ve done it before with someone else, and who sees that I am so much more than just a mum.
Hard but true: you will never be our first priority
Our precious ones who we grew, birthed and kept alive, depend on us day in day out and will always be our number one priority. No matter how old they are or where in the world, their needs will always be at the forefront of our minds.
We will drop everything for them even when it doesn’t suit us, or as unjust or compromising as it might seem to you. We understand that may be hard at times but you will, hopefully, learn to admire it. There is a special space for you, don’t get me wrong: but we have to keep our child’s wellbeing at the centre of our universe, always.
We don’t get out often
Most of us are up early (and sometimes multiple times a night), juggling during the day and so come night time, it's tea or wine and an early bedtime. Our time is valuable, so if we choose to go out with you, it means we’re really interested. Make it worth it, i.e. stimulating conversation that’s not all about kids. Get us out of our comfort zone and let’s have fun.
Our schedules heavily rely on work, shared access and outside support so please don’t change the plans. We’re probably not going to be free for those last-minute tickets but we will look forward to our dates and will be disappointed if you don’t follow through.
One thing though, we may take longer than usual to respond to your texts and certainly won’t be making long calls during the day. We are preoccupied but that doesn’t mean you’re not on our minds.
Take our lead on the introduction to the kids
One thing’s for sure: we are fiercely protective of our children. It’s more than likely they’ve already undergone multiple adjustments in their lives and the last thing we want to do is upend them unnecessarily. It will take time for us to ensure things are serious before we introduce you and it's important to be patient and let us make that judgment call.
Don’t take it personally: we know you want to meet them and it’s not a reflection on you, it's important to take the time around this step as it now can affect an outside party. Depending on the ages of our kids, we may introduce you as our friend until time has passed where trust and comfort has been built and our kids have adjusted to sharing our attention with this ‘trusted friend’.
If you are special enough to be introduced to our munchkins, please don’t take this honour for granted. We are opening our most vulnerable and precious possession up to you, something that is risky but must be done eventually in order to have a longstanding relationship.
We want you to see how we mother and see if you still love us when we’re tired, cranky and cleaning up spag bol off the floor. We need to know you’re not going to walk out when things get tough or our kids are challenging. Don’t worry, you don’t need to be a parent: our kids already have them, but what they do need is a reliable buddy, a special friend. That's the best you can give us and we will reward you with love.
It’s the special bond of a love that’s injected into a blended family that’s bonded by choice and an opportunity for you to show an example of what a loving, healthy respectful relationship looks like. The beauty of us single mums is most of us have it together … because we have to. When you come into this dynamic, it may be a different kind of energy to what you’re used to but the partnership, when done well, can be truly amazing and well worth it for all.
This article was first published in Kidspot.
